Is Being Assertive the same as Being Aggressive?

In my interactions with some business leaders recently, I've noticed that some had wanted to work on getting the right balance in their level of assertiveness (the dialing up or down their assertiveness in response to various situations). When we delved deeper during these interactions, there often seems to be some blurring of definitions between being assertiveness versus being aggressiveness.

In this blog, we will attempt to break down the key differences between assertive and aggressive behavior, discuss how to practice assertiveness, and explore when it’s appropriate to dial back your assertiveness.

Assertiveness is about expressing oneself openly and confidently while respecting others' perspectives, whereas aggressiveness involves dominating or belittling others to get one's way. This confusion often leads to communication breakdowns, where people either come across as too passive or too confrontational. It's important for individuals to recognize when they need to assert themselves more clearly and when they need to temper their approach to avoid crossing the line into aggression, ultimately fostering more effective and respectful interactions in both personal and professional environments.

Assertiveness is generally considered both a behavior and a communication style:

As a behavior, assertiveness refers to the actions you take to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. This includes things like speaking clearly, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself without being overly passive or aggressive.

As a communication style, assertiveness is the way you interact with others in conversations or situations. It involves using clear and direct language, maintaining appropriate body language, and expressing your ideas and needs while also being mindful of the needs and feelings of others.

For leaders working on being effective in their influencing approaching, understanding the difference between assertive and aggressive behavior is crucial for fostering healthy relationships, both personally and professionally. While assertiveness is often seen as a positive communication style, aggression can have negative consequences.

What is Assertive Behavior?

Assertiveness refers to the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in an open, honest, and respectful way. It is a balanced communication style that allows you to stand up for yourself without disregarding the rights or feelings of others. Assertive individuals know how to express their needs, set boundaries, and make requests without fear of conflict or rejection.

Key Traits of Assertiveness:

• Self-respect: Respecting your own needs and feelings.

• Respect for others: Acknowledging and valuing the needs and feelings of others.

• Clear communication: Expressing yourself directly and honestly without hesitation or confusion.

• Emotional control: Staying calm and composed, even in difficult situations.

  
  

What is Aggressive Behavior?

Aggression, on the other hand, is characterized by a forceful or hostile attitude that disregards others’ feelings, needs, or rights. Aggressive individuals may try to dominate or belittle others, often using a loud voice, threats, or intimidation. While aggressive behavior may seem to get results in the short term, it often damages relationships and leads to negative consequences like conflict, resentment, or isolation.

Key Traits of Aggression:

• Disrespect: Ignoring or belittling the feelings and needs of others.

• Hostility: Communicating with anger, blame, or verbal attacks.

• Manipulation: Using guilt, threats, or pressure to get your way.

• Overpowering others: Using intimidation or force to control situations.

  
  

How to Practice Assertiveness Skills

Becoming more assertive requires practice and self-awareness. Here are some practical strategies you can use to develop and strengthen your assertiveness:

1. Use “I” Statements: Instead of blaming or accusing others, focus on your own feelings and needs. For example, say, "I feel frustrated when I don't get the information I need" instead of "You never give me the information I ask for."

2. Maintain Good Posture: Your body language plays a huge role in communicating assertiveness. Stand tall, make eye contact, and use open hand gestures. This signals confidence and respect for both yourself and others.

3. Practice Active Listening: Assertiveness isn’t just about speaking your mind — it’s also about hearing others. Listen attentively, show empathy, and ask clarifying questions to ensure mutual understanding.

4. Learn to Say No: Setting boundaries is a key part of assertiveness. If something doesn’t align with your values, priorities, or capacity, it’s okay to decline respectfully.

5. Stay Calm and Composed: When expressing yourself, maintain control over your emotions. If you feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath or step back before responding. Staying calm will help you communicate more effectively.

6. Be Specific and Direct: Avoid vague statements or hints. Clearly articulate your needs or desires. For example, instead of saying, “I wish you could help more,” say, “Can you please take care of the dishes tonight?”

   
   

How to Dial Down Assertiveness Where Appropriate

While assertiveness is valuable, there are times when dialing it down is necessary. Over-assertiveness can be perceived as pushiness, especially if the situation requires sensitivity or flexibility. Here are some tips on when and how to dial down your assertiveness:

1. In Sensitive Situations: When dealing with someone who is upset or going through a tough time, tone down your directness and be more empathetic. Focus on listening rather than expressing your own needs.

2. When Working with Superiors: In some work settings, particularly hierarchical environments, it’s essential to gauge the power dynamics. If you need to assert yourself with a boss or senior colleague, choose your words carefully and show respect for their position.

3. During Group Conversations: In group discussions or meetings, avoid monopolizing the conversation. Be assertive, but also give others a chance to express their thoughts. Respectful turn-taking will encourage balanced communication.

4. When You’re Dealing with People Who Are Easily Overwhelmed: If you're speaking with someone who tends to get overwhelmed or anxious, adjust your tone and message accordingly. Use simpler, less intense language and ensure you’re offering support rather than creating pressure.

5. In Social Settings: Sometimes, being overly assertive can come off as domineering in social situations. It’s important to recognize when a more passive approach might be needed, especially if you're around people who are introverted or shy.

   
   

Situations When Assertive Behavior is Appropriate

There are many situations where assertiveness is not only beneficial but essential. Here are some examples:

1. Setting Boundaries: If someone is asking for something that you're uncomfortable with, being assertive allows you to say "no" or express your limits clearly. For instance, in a workplace, if a colleague keeps assigning you extra tasks, assertiveness helps you set boundaries and communicate your workload limits.

2. Expressing Needs in Relationships: Whether in a personal or professional relationship, being assertive helps ensure that your needs are acknowledged and met. If you're feeling neglected or unsupported, assertiveness can help you express your feelings without being passive or aggressive.

3. Negotiating a Deal: Assertiveness is key when it comes to negotiating. Whether it’s asking for a raise, negotiating a contract, or discussing terms, assertiveness allows you to advocate for yourself while maintaining mutual respect.

4. Standing Up for Yourself in Conflict: If you're being mistreated or disrespected, assertiveness gives you the tools to stand up for yourself calmly and clearly. For instance, if someone is speaking over you in a meeting, you can assertively ask to finish your point.

5. Giving Constructive Feedback: Whether you’re offering feedback to a colleague or receiving it, being assertive helps you give and receive feedback in a direct, respectful manner, which improves communication and collaboration.

   
   

Conclusion

In conclusion, assertiveness is a powerful communication tool that allows individuals to express themselves clearly, stand up for their rights, and build healthy relationships without resorting to aggression. By practicing assertiveness skills, such as using “I” statements, maintaining good posture, and learning to say no, you can communicate more effectively in both personal and professional settings. Remember, assertiveness doesn't mean being aggressive — it’s about striking the right balance between standing up for yourself and respecting others.

Understanding when and how to dial back your assertiveness is also crucial, particularly in sensitive or hierarchical situations. With the right awareness and practice, assertiveness can help you navigate many aspects of life while maintaining respect and understanding.